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With Dead Hands Rising - Expect Hell

CARCILLOs MOLESTACHE   (81 reviews)

Posted: 09/30/2008 | Comments: 2 | Rate:

Good morning, class. My name is Professor X. Welcome to How To Write a Boring, Contrived, Fake, Metal Record 101.

The first, and most important thing to remember about being in a flybynight band of false metal poseurs, is to name your band something completely ridiculous. The less sense it makes, the better. Remember, you're going for OMG OVER THE TOP BROOTAL, not sensibilty here. A good rule of thumb is to throw in something about dead, dying, or death. Something about a girl is good fodder as well. If you think you can handle it, name your band something about a dead or dying girl. Just make sure it doesn't make too much sense! If it is sentence-length, but not a complete sentence, and doesn't make sense when spoken aloud, you're off to a good start.

Next, make sure those drums are triggered! Mic those bass drums, you want it to be the first (and possibly only!) thing you hear on your album!

It doesn't matter that you can't name any Iron Maiden albums, or that the only Slayer song you know is "Raining Blood", you're METAL now, so be sure to start growing that hair long. But you're still a fashioncore herb at heart, so if need be, you can still keep combing the front over your eyes. Wearing your sister's jeans is still acceptable.

Building on an earlier lesson, it's time to name your songs. Again, girls and/or death are good subject matter. If you run out of ideas, just take some words that sound evil and/or intelligent, and string them together. A thesaurus comes in handy here.

Following this pattern, your band logo needs to look as nonsensical as your band name sounds.

Breakdowns are the most important part of your music! So concentrate on writing good chug riffs. In between breakdowns, just play all kinds of crazy shit. This will give the impression that you're "technically sound" and kids who don't know shit about shit, and who have never heard a Cynic or Atheist record, will begin singing your praises and calling you "the next Between the Buried and Me."

Class dismissed.

So yeah, With Dead Hands Rising passed this class with flying colors.

Expect hell? Expect a bad review!

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Comments
busta hymen
5,679 Posts
28/M/SC
their first album was actually really good. second ep was boring. i haven't heard this yet.
hardcore for life
23,470 Posts
34/M/NA
great review.

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