Staff Rating

1.00/5

User Rating

0/5

Snow White's Poison Bite - Featuring Dr. Gruesome and The Gruesome Gory Horror Show

Shostakovich   (109 reviews)

Posted: 04/12/2013 | Comments: 8 | Rate:

Being that I'm older than 20 and graduated high school with a GPA higher than 2, I'm not one whose life evolves around "the breakdown", but let's be real here; if you're in a band who has even the most tenuous grasp of hardcore or association with the hardcore scene, not even knowing how to play a breakdown properly is a surefire sign you might actually be worse than people who care about breakdowns. That fact was enough to make me come extremely close to just deleting this record off my computer and begging to be unassigned from this record. One of the worst, most banal, most godawful sterile noises I can imagine is playing continuous low-E notes without even thinking about palm muting them. It makes riffs sound like a series of farts. Yes, children (and I do mean children, because I'm sure if you like this music, you're 12), you're listening to farts.

This record started off with potential, especially given that it's a Victory release, and everyone knows the kind of dipshitty shit bullshit they've recently been responsible for. It really did, and I mean that, and nobody who doesn't suck will believe me, but it did. The first track is an almost 5 minute intro which encompasses a handful of elements from old horror party records, segueing into a really cool, heavy riff, only slightly ruined by fake witch cackling over it. After a quiet moment, the tempo and mood shifts completely to a 50's era surf/rockabilly riff reminiscent of the "Monster Mash". "Damn", I thought to myself, "this is actually kind of neat, a band who understands subtlety and might bring some neat aspects to what I assumed would be just another shitty faux emocore record."

And then the entire thing took a practically literal steaming shit on my face, and it melted into my ears. This is everything I was afraid of when I accepted this review, and more. Let's be straight here....this is a band of people who I assume are no longer in high school, actually using the term "haters" in earnest to address the detractors, myself likely included, who would dare to question the band and their silly faux goth cum faux 80's metal appearance and lifestyle. It's literally impossible for me to take anyone seriously who addresses their alleged "enemies" the same way my white trash, meth smoking Tweety Bird shirt wearing neighbor does. This unoriginal, canned attitude bothered me as a goth/metalhead in high school, and 15 years later, it's like nails on a chalkboard for me.

AAAAAAAAAnyway, ok, the music. Well, again, let's be real, there's not a hell of a lot to write home about, though I will indeed give this horribly named band credit in that the music isn't completely derivative. If you can imagine Avenged Sevenfold mixed with early Manson and Mr. Bungle, you'd have a general idea of this record. Top it off with lyrics that make the Misfits sound like TS Eliot. Speaking of which, I should also mention that Michale Graves guests on a (terrible) track. Don't everyone get all excited at once now.....

It's corny and dumb, but at least is kind of interesting at times. There's elements of goth, metalcore, circus music, symphonic black metal, emo, pop punk....you can't really fault them for attempting to sound unique. But in the end, it still sucks.

I guess I can be added to the list of haters here, and I'm sure I will be dismissed as an old square or some shit, and possibly flamed by 12 year olds, but none of that will lose me more than a second or two of sleep. Do your worst. Fuck you.

Home Follow on Twitter! Like on Facebook!

Comments
nah im alright
3,871 Posts
33/M/PA
one of the worst bullshits ive ever stumbled across
Cats. Hardcore.
101 Posts
25/M/VA
"And then the entire thing took a practically literal steaming shit on my face, and it melted into my ears."

One of my favorite lines of all time. Jesus fuck, this record sounds awful.
Cats. Hardcore.
101 Posts
25/M/VA
Nevermind. Oh fuck. I'm shitting my pants.

"Similar: Marilyn Manson, and several pretend edgy faux goth bands who can suck my dick"
someone9879
1 Posts
23/F/NA
i love the new album!
new cocks
144,005 Posts
33/M/IL
fuck you then
vanilla gorilla
212,033 Posts
38/M/PA
The entire thing smelled like farts
mr. birthdaysex
8,624 Posts
34/M/NC
just the name of this shitband lets me know i never want to hear it, followed by the fact theyve been signed to victory.
new cocks
144,005 Posts
33/M/IL

Log in or sign up to post a comment.